Raising a Gentlemen: Helping Boys Transition into Adulthood

Raising a Gentlemen: Helping Boys Transition into Adulthood

Helping your son, nephew, or younger brother transition into adulthood is actually not a process that starts at puberty. The reality is, bodies change but values do not. Parents have a HUGE job to educate children at different levels as they age, but basic principles and values do not change, they become a deeper part of who the child is.

It’s like my father said when I was a young boy, “Should I prepare you for marriage now or the day before you get married?” Of course, by then it is too late! Education starts from infancy.

Becoming an adult man that is a gentleman is a process that starts before “the talk” when bodies, hormones, and emotions go through any kind of drastic development on the road to adulthood. And it’s not just about firm handshakes and holding doors for others, although both make good habits. 

But don’t panic if your child is on the cusp of that plunge into his teenage years and beyond. We are all on the road to develop ourselves and there is no surefire formula to make anyone perfect overnight. However, there are some tips that can help you and your family support each other in becoming more courteous, honorable, and considerate towards others.

Many boys may not be eager for a sit down with their parents for a heart-to-heart, but consider that they do need to feel your support in other ways.

1. Make a habit of acknowledging the good things he does on a regular basis. Praise him when he helps out around the house or takes care of his siblings.

2. Know who his friends are. You can’t entirely control who your child becomes friends with, but it is important from a young age to develop trust between you and your son and his friends by getting to know them from time to time. Ask about how they are doing and show interest in and support for the healthy activities they participate in. 

3. Have a good role model that isn’t a parent around. Your son may not find out how cool you parents are until he’s full-grown, so it’s helpful to have a slightly older male role model around for him to emulate. Young boys (and girls) look up to older kids and having someone around that treats him with respect and who models good behavior will naturally encourage him to emulate the same behavior. It’s called peer pressure and, in this case, it can be a beautiful thing.

Remember, change happens over time and with consistency. As most children will notice as they age, as I have, we get to know our parents better because we start to see their reflection in ourselves. I quoted my father earlier, something I find myself doing more often now. What we will learn in time is that it’s not just words that are quoted, but actions, a far more telling indication of how my father raised me.

Seeking Out the Divine

Seeking Out the Divine

Religious and spiritual leaders must lead this peace process. Instead of advocating their own narrow doctrinal perspective, they must help all people of faith to recognize the shared values and principles that come from our common heritage in one God.

 —Dr. Hyun Jin Preston Moon (Global Peace Festival 2008) 

Seeking out the Divine

The founder of the Family Peace Association, Dr. Hyun Jin Preston Moon, has always emphasized the central importance of placing God at the center of our families, communities and nation, and world. He has also advocated for the special role of spiritual leaders and faith communities in doing this:

We have discovered that relations between faith traditions are not about mere toleration of one another’s prayers and rituals. A true interfaith experience is a celebration of the core principles that bind all God-affirming people together as one family.

It is with this understanding that we seek to provide a platform for like-minded partners to collaborate for the cause of building strong, God-centered families. Through attuning ourselves to look for spiritual truths in everyday places and through sharing the wisdom of our respective faith traditions, we hope to become ever-more conscious of how we need to live our daily lives. In this, faith communities need not approach one another as rivals but as brothers and sisters of faith in the journey of building greater spiritual consciousness in our nation and world.

Faith and wisdom traditions have always played a seminal role in helping people explore the meaning of life and individual purpose in life. The many people who go through life seeking meaning and purpose find them in his or her faith community. Whatever word that we might use: Ultimate Reality, the Absolute Being, the Transcendent, Brahman, Creator, etc., when we root our origins in the Creator, we then become grounded in the idea that we have a purpose. In order to know that purpose, we need to know then, the Creator, God. Different traditions may know this Being by different names but for our purposes, we use the term God to represent something that is ineffable and could never be fully expressed in words.

On a practical level, becoming spiritually conscious means to become more and more attuned to the spiritual laws and nature of life and then to align ourselves accordingly. Dr. Moon’s father, Rev. Sun Myung Moon outlined the most practical way to do this: in our families. In True Families: Gateway to Heaven, he explains:

Whether it concerns issues in your family or problems facing the nation or the world, the same formula applies: we must deal with relationships to those above and below, on the right and on the left, in front and in back. […] This is the case whether you are relating to your parents or your children, to your husband or your wife, or to your brothers and sisters.

True Families, Gateway to Heaven, pp 9-10

It is in the family that we learn to love and care for our mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, and uncles. It is within this network of love and care that allows us to develop our character and cultivate emotional ties with other people as well as learn how to deal with others. What we learn in the family we can then extend to those around us:

The same applies as you relate to the nation and world. Your family should take the lead in your nation to embrace families in the east and west and north and south and encourage all families to do the same. Your family should embrace the civilizations of East and West and of North and South and embrace all the people of the world as your brothers and sisters. This is the way to bring about one world family.

True Families, Gateway to Heaven, pp 9-10

To do this, we challenge ourselves to create plans to practice and embody God’s eternal truths in our everyday family life as concrete actions, behaviors, and habits. The following is an activity to develop our spiritual consciousness – to seek out God in our everyday lives together as a family. 

 Activity

Creating Healthy Family Habits: Seeking the Divine Image

The steps to this activity are really very simple.

  1. First, plan out time for your family to go out into nature. The setting doesn’t matter so long as it is in nature – the forest, a beach, a field – somewhere you can ‘study’ nature. The purpose of this time is one in which we seek out reflections of the “Divine Image” in nature.
  2. Take something for each person to take personal notes, questions, sketches, etc. While it’s fine to talk as you go along, you want to make sure that you don’t lose focus on the activity of investigating.
  3. Some general themes to observe:
    • What does nature need to grow?
    • What limits growth?
    • What are the different stages of growth?
    • What is the general dynamic of life in an ecosystem?
    • Did you observe important roles each species plays in the ecosystem?
    • Did you observe instances where the energy did not flow (air, water) – what did that look like?
    • If or when you observe “invasive species” – what are the qualities that make them invasive in that ecosystem?
  4. Then, to wrap up you want to take some time to share with one another your observations and questions. What patterns did you see?

This might be a bit awkward in the beginning and we encourage you to try it in different ways until it starts to feel more natural. For some people, it is like training a muscle and we need time and consistency to see or feel results.

It will also take time to be able to draw lines of connection between observations made about nature and the laws that govern nature and the laws that govern the human world. These types of shared experiences together as a family are important as they set a basis for which to later explain lessons from the natural world to our spiritual lives.

The more we engage and learn to share and explore with one another about life, universal laws, growth and nature the easier it becomes to share on anything and everything else. We encourage you to treasure these moments and make efforts to make it a central part of your lives together as a family.

For all these reasons and more, this is an activity that can be repeated without end. In fact, all of the activities we include in this book is of that nature. And every time the activity is done, a new layer of knowledge, consciousness, skill, etc. is added – we ourselves have become different. In that way, every time we do an activity, in some sense we are different people from those who did the activity before!

For an approach for younger kids, click here.

Storytelling Brings the Family Together

Storytelling Brings the Family Together

Parents and elders have been storytellers since the dawn of humankind, passing on wisdom, knowledge, caution, or simply entertainment. And what is amazing is that we cannot grow out of being the listener. There is always something we can learn from in the words and stories of others.

Have you ever watched your younger sibling, maybe your students, niece or nephew, or even your own child as they were discovering that those beautiful depictions of their hero or heroine on epic adventures were not always fantasies woven in their storyteller’s mind, but rather the ability to interpret scribbles on a page? In wonder, they grasp the book in their own hands, squinting and proudly declaring, “Now I will tell the story to you!” Made all the more adorable when the entire book is upside down.

Children are drawn to the sound of language, learning to love being read to before even noticing the existence of printed words. Reading books out loud to children is essential to stimulating imagination, creativity, and comprehension skills in preparation to become the storytellers themselves.

Reading with others is a great bonding activity. It’s a chance to bring up topics in the story and hear how the child is doing, how she interprets the world, her dreams, and aspirations. Children (and adults!) automatically find the commonality and differences between themselves and characters in a story. It helps to ask questions and engage with your young listener when you can or just relax and enjoy the reading session because even the act of reading together will benefit everyone involved. 

It is also an opportunity to create a family ritual. Intentionally spending time to read and learn together feeds into our personal excellence both inside and outside the home while building a common language, so to speak, and points of reference between family members.

So, go ahead, read together and share stories, from books on science and history to tales about dragons and lands far away. Incorporate diversity and listen to what that special child in your life is interested in reading about as they grow because whatever the topic, they are bonding, expanding their knowledge and vocabulary, enhancing concentration skills, and learning to love learning!

People We Don’t Like

People We Don’t Like

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”

—Abraham Lincoln

 

Missing the village 

As families have become smaller and the circle of the family has become less inclusive, relationships in the community, society and the nation have also changed. In ways small and large, significant shifts in the family inevitably have a powerful impact on the way society at large conducts itself. Whereas families used to be large and closely-knit, with aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws, children, parents, grandchildren, cousins and everything in-between including the friends and neighbors who essentially became a part of the family, today there is a sad and lonely call, a gap of family and community that we instinctively feel to be missing.

A 2014 blogpost that went viral lamented the loss of “the village” that she never had, describes this ache, this feeling that we shouldn’t have to go it alone, articulates the feeling that the experience of raising a family and children is supposed to be a communal one. She writes:

I miss the village I never had. The one with mothers doing the washing side by side, clucking and laughing hysterically, tired in body but quick in spirit. We’d know each other so well: annoying one another from time to time, but never staying mad long because the truth is, we need each other.

It’s no wonder that this blogpost had gone viral – as it touches on a certain something that we all collectively seem to be feeling. The post even points to the importance of even the annoyances and irritations of having “a village”—the everyday irritations and frictions that inevitably happen in living, working and loving in close and constant relationship with others. We could say that the village is a thing of the past, something that we used to traditionally naturally have living as part of a large, extended family. Yet, without casting back and trying to force back ourselves into a golden age that may not have necessarily even existed, we want to question different aspects of living in a closer relationship with people – including people that we now more commonly avoid: people we don’t like.

The fraying of the ties that bind

We might say this is something we do as a luxury of modern life. As families and communities have frayed in the last generation, it is not unusual to notice that relationships and connections – in general – have also frayed.

Recently, the Prime Minister of Britain appointed a “minister of loneliness” to take on the issue of loneliness by teaching students “relationship education” in schools. This was initiated to combat the rising numbers of people, particularly youth, who report feelings of loneliness.

This is not a phenomenon limited to Great Britain as it appears to be a rising trend around the world.

 And along with loneliness, there has also been a correlated rise in problems such as difficulties having and maintaining relationships. Dr. Gabor Mate, one of the foremost researchers on addiction, might even argue that it is the difficulty of having healthy relationships that cause things such as addictive behavior. He asserts the idea that “that addiction—all addiction—is, in fact, a case of human development gone askew.” Even while he defines trauma in very broad terms, his examples point largely to traumatic experiences in relation with others—usually our families and when we are very young—that have the biggest impact on how we perceive ourselves and how we then learn to cope with this trauma. 

These both point to something that we should find alarming and yet expected, with the disruption of the most fundamental institution of human society throughout all of human history: the family. And we don’t mean the family as the more recent understanding of a two-generation, nuclear family but rather the family as it was always intended and designed throughout human history: the extended, multi-generational family.

People we don’t like

In the opening quote, Abraham Lincoln expresses something that some of us might find amusing—as usually, we would avoid those that we dislike. Yet there is deep and simple wisdom in listening to the part of us that would challenge us to look at those that irritate us in a different way. Perhaps it is in recognizing that our dislike is not about that person but about ourselves or in recognizing the growth opportunities that come along with challenging ourselves to put ourselves into uncomfortable situations and relationships.

In a world of endless options and so many different forms of escape, we need to begin to turn around and face ourselves. And to face one’s self means, in many ways, to also face one another. There is value in relating with people that don’t necessarily always make us feel wonderful or perfect. There is value in hearing hard truths from people or from forcing ourselves to have the discipline to be kind to those that frustrate us. There is value in each and every one of us and when we start to treat others with respect, with kindness, with intention—regardless of how we might feel about them—we also begin to change ourselves and our relationships. We might even find ourselves appreciating even those we thought we didn’t like! 

So, the next time someone makes you cringe or brings up feelings of frustration or annoyance, think about Abraham Lincoln’s words of wisdom. Even if you don’t immediately change your attitudes and behavior, slow down. Stop and consider what might change if you were, perhaps to take a different view of that person.

Some questions to help you do this might be:

  1. How would you treat that person if he or she was your brother or sister, aunt or uncle, cousin, etc.?
  2. Imagine what that person may have been like as a child.
  3. How do you think his or her parents might feel about him or her?
  4. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do?
  5. How might this person fit into your “village”?

Either way, these small tactics can help you to build new mental resources for change and personal growth.

Checking Our Packs: Setting Out

Checking Our Packs: Setting Out

In our efforts to become God-centered families, we can work towards developing specific tools of critical thinking skills and channels for open and honest dialogue among family members.

In a sense, these tools function like navigation tools. To get somewhere, we need to know where we want to go and then know how we can get there. We also need to have a compass to keep us headed in the right direction as well as some things in case of emergencies and detours!

On our website, we feature a growing number of articles, activities, discussion questions to get us started to acquire the skills to build healthy, happy families.

Let’s take some time to summarize and articulate some of the conclusions you’ve come to together as a family through this process of building a healthy, happy family.

  1. Sitting around the camp fire can be a moment for family discussions.

    Destination: What kind of family do we want to have?

  2. What we’ll need:
    • Compass (so we’re headed in the right direction)
    • Maps (to plan, set goals/habits to get us there)
    • Tools (help us along the way)
    • Emergency kit (in case of conflicts, major/minor decisions)
  3. What other things do we need?

Try to fill in ideas in the different categories above.

Ask yourselves and each other: What do we have, what do we need? What don’t we need? What might be getting in our way? What do we want to work towards? Are we making room in our everyday lives for this bigger family goal?

No doubt, there will be adjustments along the way but knowing and becoming mindful of these things are going to help us be more conscious of our habits, behaviors, and decisions.

Alternatives to Screen Time

Alternatives to Screen Time

Ah, the convenience of technology. Smartphones, tablets, entertainment subscriptions, and online video streaming is making it easier to keep kids busy when mom and dad are working hard running to work, taking care of other siblings, cooking meals, or anything else on the endless task of keeping the family healthy, wealthy and wise.

In an age where some jokingly refer to the TV as “the babysitter,” it’s beginning to become difficult to remember a time without our modern conveniences. Some may furrow their brows at the idea of the access children have to technology and entertainment. “Kids these days!” they exclaim as they see an oblivious teen almost crash head on to a street pole on the sidewalk with their eyes on their phone.

Kids these days…

Parents and children playing video games together

What about kids these days? Kids these days are great! In a world that sometimes likes to take the pessimistic view of modern technology, let us take a different approach.

The truth is, technology itself is value-neutral. There are great ways and absolutely terrible ways to utilize it, depending on the values developed by each person within their family. Technology itself is not bad. We can talk with and even see loved ones from halfway around the world and have an endless library of knowledge at our fingertips thanks to modern technology!

However, it is also important to recognize that too much screen time can adversely affect our children’s appreciation of the world they live in. Instead of focusing on what limitations we can set on children when it comes to technology, we can think about alternatives to screen time that you can participate in as a family.

Here are some things you can encourage as an alternative to screen time. Some activities don’t even require more than the child herself. Encouraging kids to find creativity and contentment in unaccompanied activities (that don’t involve a screen) will help them be self-motivated to mature and expand their skills, knowledge, and creativity.

  • Family game night: board games, card games, charades— nothing like some friendly competition to spark some energy.
  • Exercise, teambuilding, fun… what’s not to like? Parents can teach kids how to play or encourage them to sign up in a community team.
  • Go to the park: from playgrounds to National Parks, parks get the family outdoors for some fresh air and exercise
  • Kids saying they’re bored? Tell them to take a hike… and go with them of course. Don’t forget to dress for the weather and bring some tasty snacks. For younger kids, go on a simple nature walk to a more level-ground trail.
  • Arts and crafts: There is an endless array of possibilities online, including holiday and educational themed activities. Need a creativity “renaissance”? You can sit down with your child and draw or paint a portrait of each other.
  • Toys that build: Blocks, logs, gears, you name it— stackable/buildable toys promote creativity and problem-solving, not to mention it’s cool to just build the tallest tower ever.
  • Baking together with mom and daughter

    Cook together. Have a picky eater? Learn more about your child’s taste (while helping them build an essential life skill) by picking a recipe and cooking together. Involving them in the process might also help them appreciate the hard work others put into their own meals and make them more likely to finish what’s on their plate. They were the master chef after all.

  • Read. Read. (Okay, maybe this one will have a screen— looking at you, tablet owners) There are SO many fantastic reasons to read together with young children and to encourage silent reading for older children.
  • Have multiple children at your house? Whether they are all yours or their friends as well, you do not have to resort to a movie to please the masses. Here’s something fun. Encourage them to create a skit to be performed in front of a prestigious audience (that’s you, mom and dad). Let them borrow clothes and create props with arts and crafts supplies… or their sibling’s favorite stuffed animal, with permission of course.
  • Puzzles! From jigsaws to sodoku, puzzles are nice, usually calm, activities to stimulate the brain and give you a little piece (get it?) and quiet.
  • Have a jam session. If you have a little musician in the house, practice some songs together and perform for the rest of the family. Music has so many benefits for children of all ages. Even if you don’t want to risk an expensive instrument quite yet, for little fingers you can create homemade music makers at home.
  • Got a green thumb? Get out in the garden. Some kids love getting in the dirt and watching life grow day by day with the seed they got to plant themselves. Bonus: harvesting vegetables or fruits is a wonderful experience itself and provides delicious, fresh produce for the whole family.

There’s a big, wide world of adventure outside your screen. What’s on your list?